So this evening as things calmed down at work I was struck by things I felt I was finally ready to say to Steve. So in between working on new graphics and answering emails I poured my heart out to him, letting go of all fears of possible rejection. When I would switch back to work mode I would hit save as draft on the email on my phone. I would go back reread, add to it, edit typos I found, delete things that I felt I didn’t say very well. I essentially told him I was his, my body, my heart was his and only his if he was ready to say he wanted them and all they had to give. I told him I couldn’t promise a perfect relationship but I could promise him one that was founded on respect, acceptance, trust and unconditional love. As I made another addition and went to him save as I saw an email come in I accidentally hit send!
It wasn’t ready. I wasn’t quite ready. I hadn’t planned on sending it tonight. Maybe late tonight but not yet. OK yes I still have a bit of fear of being rejected and pushing him, so I was going to hold it for a bit.
When I realized what I had done I panicked for a moment. Then took a deep breath and remembered that I am returning to my way of thinking of “with great risk comes great rewards”. Steve is worth the risk. I may fall flat on my face. I may have my heart broken again but I know that if that happens I didn’t hold back what I felt for him from him at all. That I acknowledged we have obstacles to overcome but that I let him know I was willing to find a way to make this work and build a relationship that fits us and give us what we need.
Truth be told I don’t expect a response back. He has never in the past really said much directly about what he wants but he shows it to me in other ways. We will see what happens. I am staying in faith that all will work out as it is meant to be.